Gotta start some where...

It is 9 o’clock, 1/1/11 340 Lbs, and 58 inch waist That is, as of today. By this time next year I want to be in the 240lbs rang (give or take 10) and be between a 36 and 46 waist.
This is NOT a new years resolution, but a goal. I plan to do weekly weigh ins, and sporadic check ins. So if you want to stay up to date on my pursuit of a healthier weight you can follow one of the links bellow. The Facebook/twitter is where I’ll post blog links, but may post quick day to days there.



https://twitter.com/#!/Chart80

http://chlfrf.blogspot.com/

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1469642766

Another One bites the Dust

By 10am London ( 04:00:00 a.m. Friday December 31, 2010, if my math is right) it will be a new year as this one comes to end; I find myself reflecting on all that has happened. I’ve gained some new friends, and lost one that can not ever be replaced. Changed bosses three times, moved desks upwards of six times, and changed teams twice. I’ve found someone that not only puts up with me but feels blessed to get an opportunity to do so.

I failed at my new years resolution, it took me two and half months to finish “Little Women” and I enjoyed it, but was not able to finish “Grapes of Wrath” made it all the way to California, but just stopped caring.

Someone I use to work with said that resolutions, are stupid the way I think Hallmark™ holidays are stupid. The concept that we need a day set aside to remember how blessed we are. I’ll not rant about it today but it does bother me.

I’ve in lieu of that, I’ve decided to go with what is at the heart of the concept, of self improvement. To live a better life I’ve always felt that I’m just a concept away from understanding all of it. Life and where I fit in it.
I don’t what the truth is, or where the lies end, and the truth begins. The ultimate answer may be forty-two, and the closet I may come to the ultimate question is “How many roads, must a man travel?” I don’t know if the secret is to “Hold on, and Let go”? I doubt I will find my answer in media, however easy that would be.

I plan to spend the moments following this, moving forward towards a better life. I haven’t figured out how I’m to do that, but I believe I’ll find my way. “I have two (meteorically) good legs, I need to put them two use.”

You don’t get, (or you never will…) (or I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired)

I find every now and then the need to “clean house” and get rid of those that reside in my life, and are not conductive, to what I think I want at that moment.

Recently I removed two people from my contact list. Currently I’m in the process of removing them from my thoughts. They share very little in common, how my mind drew the connections all the same, mainly due to the fact that both of them make me feel… less.

There is just really isn’t any way to put it. One knows better (or by now, she fucking should!) words to me are worthless (I still count them, but that is another tale for another day) how you act, sober or not, busy or not. I’m sure that it’s unintentional that they make me feel like shit, however that almost makes it worse that it stems from their carelessness.

I don’t think that I’m an unreasonable person, I don’t expect people to drop their lives for me (hell, I refuse to change the world so I can shit comfortable*) but once in awhile, I liked to hear from people when they don’t want to use me for something. I do know that I’m difficult person to be friends with. I know that my low expectations for people are so low that I don’t treat them like expectation, I treat them like demands. I demand respect, as I will extend it to you, I demand honesty as I will do the same (both within reasonable situations.) I wont stand for being plan “z” hell I don’t like being plan “b” I WON’T BE YOUR SAFETY!

* Dante Hicks (Clerks)

New Year new You?

I wish I had more time, but this idea came to me about a month ago, and never had time to type it up. So here we go it is 5:18pm CST 12/31/09. I decided what I would do as my New Years Resolution, I aim to read a literature classics every month.

I’m sure it doesn’t sound like much, but truly that is the idea, I have many horrible habits, but one of them is that I take on things so much bigger than me, and refusing to ask for help. So I believe that progress, may be attained by focusing on what is already in us, and tweaking it. Not an original idea, but nothing about me is original, just the way I throw it all together.


January is “Little Women” but I need suggestions for the other eleven months.


I go on some other things, but I need to get my butt moving if I’m going to have everything done by 9:30.

I’m sure by the time any of you read this it will, no longer be 2009, however be safe, and happy well into the new year, and when you meet your new you, tell them I said Hello….

Forty-Two

There are many or few mysteries in life, depending on how you look at. It is almost possible that for every question there is not only an answer, but that more than one in 6.802 billion (As of 10 December 2009, the Earth's population, is estimated by the United States Census Bureau) that knows the answer, if not you.

Obviously the title of this blog, is from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy anyone who did not know that need to read it. I’m bringing it up for two reasons one, I’m rereading it, and two it has something to do with the blog as a whole. I think that I’ll be doing a blog on the book as a whole soon, currently I’m reading book five in the trilogy and will probably write it after I finish book six.

When the sleep apnea is not keeping me awake (or more often when I lose control of my mind) I think, or its better to say that I fail to not think. To an extant this has colored me in to the person today by making things more abstract and remote.

I have wondered about many things and would like to share some with you…

1) If humans are deceitful by default, or is it a legacy we receive from those that came before?

2) Do we say the things that we need/ want to hear most?

3)Do we seek out others that posses the trait’s that we want to have?

A) If so is that I search out for extraordinary people?
Uncommon beauty, and digging for diamonds in the rough?

B) Do I attract unstable individuals, and other outcasts?
1) For my appearance of stability
2) The way I blend in to my soundings as if I belong?
3) Is it a combination of the two in the way that I continue to “march on”?

C) Is this the behavior that spawned phrases like “Opposites attract“?

I’m constantly plagued by the feeling (and after sending a few twenty texts, that only four were kind of enough to reply to, that I’m not alone in this) that there is more to life than this. Most that know my well, know well enough to say that while I’m notoriously passionate, I’m not a feeling person, I’m more of a cold equations person. As far as where this “feeling” comes from, why I feel it so strongly, or what it means I couldn’t venture a guess. I’m not even really certain as to when I became aware of it. Only that it makes me feel like I’m endlessly waiting.

Now for the part from HGtG:

So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish, by Douglas Adams
(Book four)

…”but I do need to know what has happened to me, You see there’s this diffrence between us, That you lost something and found it again, and I found something and lost it. I need to find it again.”

I love this passage as it best describes how I feel. I don’t remember when, or how, but I felt so much more….. something I don’t know, not really full, and not at peach, not oneness, or certain, not clear, for a lack of any descriptive, just more.
It’s odd how noticeably I can feel it yet unable to trace it to a source.



.

Extraordinary Average

“What?” and “Why?” are questions that I quiz others as well as myself with often. Not because I think there is happiness in the answers. Yet I think the road to happiness is knowing what you want, and why you want it. As far as to why I think that, I’m not really sure (lots of my inner working throw me for a loop) but it is what it is. For what is that draws us to things, and repulses us from others, the keys to the self may have these answers, but for most it is enough to know what they like and what they do not.



I can’t tell you the first gal that I had a crush on, I remember the name of the first girl I kissed but not the one who kissed me… I can’t tell you why I find geek like girls cute (I always have), although I can tell why pregnant chicks are hot. I can tell you that I have a great grasp of who I am, but not always what. I possess a great self-esteem but a minimal self-worth. While some find me arrogant, and condescending, until they get to know me, when they realize that I’m confident and patent.



I have a few problems dating, thinking less important has it drawl backs but rarely do I show that as I now I’m important. I have trouble meeting people that I can relate to. No shortage of people that are willing to settle for me, or have me as a back up, or plan “z”. I just want my geeky girl…

Trust me

I do not live as simple of a life as I should. I think I might be happier if I did. I simplify where I am able. However there no end to the queries as to “how” (and more often “why”) I do what we do. My answers very from a shrug, to a dismissive answer (i.e.: we are who we are.) I remember lots of little things, (birthdays, how she drinks her coffee, her likes/ dislikes… etc) yet have trouble with names. I’ll remember something someone said five or ten years ago, but leave my phone, or Zune at home.

The downside to a good memory is just that a good memory, I can’t really drive anywhere with out summoning ghost of people I knew (or worse, use to be.) Furthermore its harder to let things go that people do/ say. That being said for what ever reason forgiveness comes almost reactional (it’s not a word, yet but should be) to me. However it has come to my attention as of recent that people don’t see how strained the relationship is after. It’s not to unlike using a band-aid on amputated limb, the thought is there, but barely, perhaps something a little stronger is needed.

As far as trust, I was not able to find anything on the world wide web that said it better than Pastor Brady:

Forgiveness is given freely, but trust has to be earned. We are not required to trust everyone we have forgiven.

Trust is earned by doing the right thing for a really long time. If you ever violate someone's trust, it takes even longer to regain it.

If you want to earn trust - Say what you mean and mean what you say - Do the right thing for the right reason even at your own hurt.

Who you can follow on his twitter site:
http://twitter.com/pastorbrady

I don’t believe there to be any such thing as a selfish act these days. As well as the fact that those closest to us will be the ones to let us down, and hurt us most. Yet it is something that I’ve never come to terms with. This is reinforced by the fact that those that say they understand me are the most perplexed when I say that I’ve had enough.

I find it obnoxious that cheaters, players, and liars complain about the trust issues they have with their significant others… It’s like saying “I can’t trust you because I can’t be trusted…” without saying it at all. Nor is it logical to base your actions on another’s, that just saying that I have no control over my life, or self.




I think I’ll get back to yall on this.